I’m back, and this time I’m going to beat some Jesus into you! September 1, 2008
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Before we get started, I want to acknowledge that yes…I’ve been very, very absent for many months.
I’d like to be able to regale you with tales of high adventure, but none of them would be true.
The plain simple and honest truth is that I just never really thought about posting anything.
I know, you can say it…I sucketh.
But I’m back, and I brought my boy with me. That’s right, the long awaited, much anticipated, fully officiated interview with none other then the one, and the only…Jesus Harold Christ.
So let’s get into it shall we? You’ve all been more then patient while I played World of Warcraft and Mass Effect instead of writing this blog.
God : So here we are! I’ve actually managed to get a sit down conversation with my boy, Jesus.
Jesus : Hi everybody, hope you’re doing well down there!
God : Before we get started, I want to say that it was an extreme pain in the ass to get you convinced to do this. Why were you so completely not into it?
Jesus : I don’t know, I guess I’m just not the kinda guy who likes to talk about himself all day. Besides, Heaven has an outstanding golf course and I’m hopelessly addicted to it. Between that and my regular Heavenly duties, it makes my schedule somewhat fluid.
God : Speaking of those Heavenly duties, can you tell folks what you do all day?
Jesus : Well as little as possible…HA HA! I mean I am the boss’s son right?
God : See now, that’s not funny.
Jesus : Ahem…well I, uh…I mean I have lots of duties. But the one that I spend most of my day involved with is trying to care for the well being of Mankind in general. I keep a close eye on you folks and prepare weekly updates which I submit directly to God the Father.
I make suggestions for improvements to your collective lives, identify people who need or deserve to have good things happen to them, occasional provide the odd miracle or two, and basically help with the monumental task of keeping Mankind moving in a forward direction.
God : I think he does a pretty good job of it too…although I will admit to being a tiny bit biased with it comes to my little Jesus.
Jesus : Please don’t call me that…I’m over a billion years old now. I’m not a child.
God : Well you’ll always be that little Omnipotent baby to me. So tender and mild in your little Jesus crib.
Jesus : Dad, please, you’re embarassing me…again. We’ve talked about this numerous times.
God : You’re right, I can’t treat you like a little god anymore. You’re all grown up now.
Speaking of being grown up, how’s my daughter-in-law doing? You guys gonna give me a Grandgod anytime soon?
Jesus : Mary’s fine, she’s probably out looking after the sick or the homeless or something like that. She’s got a lot of organizations she’s involved with. As for that Grandgod you’re always on my back about, we’ve discussed it. No firm plans yet, but it’s definitely going to happen sooner instead of later. IF you were to press me on a time I’d have to say that you’ll be a Grandfather God within the next 10,000 years or so…give or take a millenium.
God : Sweet! You know you mother is just as excited about this as I am.
Jesus : I know…we’re going to do it, just not quite ready yet.
God : Ok, on to another subject. Let’s see…most people are really familiar with your mission on Earth. Is there anything you’d like to say about that?
Jesus : Sure…I think the main thing people need to realize is that when I was on Earth, I was not God. I was just a dude. So I had to do all the things you do.
I got hungry, sick, stumped my toes, all that stuff.
So while I knew up here in Heaven that my ultimate fate was to end up dying horrifically…
God : Yeah, I’m really sorry about that.
Jesus : It’s cool, really. So like I said…while I may have known while in Heaven that my fate was to die at the hands of my enemies, that took on a whole new meaning when I was actually there.
I mean, I was not exactly thrilled about the idea. I mean…death…that sucks.
Luckily, Dad had someone working with him…Judas Iscariot…who was going to deliver me into their hands. Otherwise I’m not sure I could’ve done it.
By the way, Judas and I are totally cool now. Get off his back ok?
God : So everyone knows about your life, ministry, death, and resurrection…but are there things that people don’t know that they might find interesting?
Jesus : Well I guess the main one is that most of the disciples weren’t 100% sold on my divine nature. They all thought God was acting through me, and not that I was actually God personified. To be fair to them, it is a bit of a heavy concept…especially for that day and age. I mean, this is Israel we’re talking about, not Greece or Rome where all the major philosophers of the day were.
Think of it this way, Italy and Greece were like New York and Chicago…Israel was like Des Moines. Sure, there’s stuff there, but it’s not the same level of sophistication.
God : Interesting…so what happened after you died on the cross?
Jesus : Well before my coming, anyone who died did not gain immediate entry into Heaven or Hell. Instead they went to a place known as Sheol which was separated up for believers, and non-believers.
God : Sheol was a early idea I had about what to do with the souls of the departed. After a few million years I came to realize I didn’t like it very much and sent Jesus to offer a direct conduit to Heaven.
Jesus : Right, it’s all very theological. So anyway, I spent three days rounding all the believers up so that I could take them back up to Heaven with me. Once that was done, I was ready to return to Earth.
God : And what were the disciples doing during that three day period?
Jesus : Well I told you folks that the disciples didn’t really get the concept of me being God, so my death kinda messed with them a little bit.
When I returned to my body, I found that had a couple of angels had rolled the stone away from my tomb so I could get out, which I thought was a nice gesture even if it wasn’t necessary. Wandering back to town, I ran into my wife, Mary Magdeline. She was headed to my tomb to pick me up. I told her I was already alive, and asked her to go tell the disciples for me because I wasn’t quite ready to see them yet. She did, and they didn’t believer her.
God : They didn’t believe her?
Jesus : Nope…not a word of it. But to the credit of a select few, they did at least go check out my tomb only to find it empty.
When I finally did appear before them, they were all drinking and sitting on their asses. I have to admit I got a little upset with them over this.
“You mean to tell me, I’ve been gone for only three stinking days, and the entire movement has de-evolved into the 10 of you hiding in a bar and goofing off? What the hell happened to you guys fullfilling the plans we discussed at great lengths over the last three stinkin’ years? Huh? Tell me someone has a good reason for this nonsense!”
Man, I remember that tirade like it was yesterday…
God : And did they have a good reason for essentially doing nothing?
Jesus : All I got in response was, “But you were dead!”.
So what? I told them I was gonna die…they all knew it. Just like I told them I’d be back after death.
In retrospect I overreacted just a bit, but I had been through a pretty crappy couple of days. What with being arrested, tortured, hauled all over frickin’ Jerusalem, whipped, beaten, carrying that damn cross, then getting nailed to it and left to die slowly. Then after that was done, I had that whole “go to Sheoul and rescue every single righteous man, woman, and child” thing to do. So I get back to Earth, dog tired, and find 10 of my 12 closest friends sitting around on the asses drinking beer and scarfing down popcorn shrimp at some seedy bar.
I ended up having to leave and regain my composure a little before coming back and talking with them again.
God : It was only 10 there hanging out wasn’t it? A couple of them weren’t there when you first met back up with the disciples.
Jesus : Yeah, Judas was obviously already up here, and Thomas was out doing whatever the hell it is that Thomas does all day. So after the bitchout session, I left to clear my head. While I’m gone, Thomas arrives and everyone proceeds to tell him about my return. That numbskull thinks they’re playing some kind of practical joke on him and he won’t believe them.
He tells them unless he sees me himself, and can inspect the wounds personally, there’s no way he’ll believe I’ve returned.
God : What did you do?
Jesus : Basically, I was pissed. I appeared among them…not using the door this time…because I was all about showing them I meant business. I stepped up in front of Thomas, and held out my hands.
As he checked me over, I said to him, “This really hurts Tom, and I don’t mean you checking out my injuries.”
God : Ouch.
Jesus : I know, probably too much, but hindsight is always 20/20.
But once I finally managed to convince them I really was who I said I was, and that all the stuff I’d been telling them about me being God personified was real and all that, things picked right back up.
Unfortunately for me, while the original twelve carried out their duties as instructed as time went by, the message got more and more convoluted with each new telling. You know the old comic scenario where someone tells someone else about two people leaving town together, and by the time it gets back to the two people originally mentioned through 60 intermediaries it’s evolved into the two of them were involved in a $40,000,000.00 bank heist in Boliva.
Religion is in such a state now that two denominations can believe in, and agree with, the broadest theological ideals, but get hung up on and differ violently on the smallest, most inconsequential details. It’s perfectly easy to accept my divinity, and the fact that I was a person like everyone else, but the concept that I might be married by the age of 30 is just a complete flight of fantasy. I mean of those two concepts, which one should be the hardest to accept as truth? My divinity or my marriage? You’d think #1, but it’s actually #2.
As I watch over Mankind I’m equal parts astounded, dumbfounded, incredulous, proud, joyous, and saddened.
We both know they’ve got such potential, but they continually insist on wasting it by focusing on any number of meaningless nonsense…and I’m looking squarely at you Miley Cyrus.
God: I can definitely feel you there Jesus. If I have to screen one more prayer asking for tickets to a sold out Jonas Brothers concert I think I may have to accelerate the Hurricane season.
But enough of that, I’ve kept you long enough and I do know you’ve got a 11am tee off with George Carlin and his wife Brenda coming up. I’ll let you go get ready for that. By the way, tell George for me that it’s an absolute pleasure to have him here and that I’ve been a fan for literally forever.
Jesus: Will do sir. And let me just say before I go…I’m so glad I got the chance to go and live among humanity for a short time. It definitely provides a new perspective. You should try it sometime God.
God: Who me? Oh no…that’s way too Zeus-like for my tastes. Besides, if I went I don’t think I could control the urge to do so as George Burns. I mean, that’d just be perfect.
So anyway, there you have it…the oft promised, much anticipated interview with my boy Jesus.
He actually kind of enjoyed the experience and I think he’ll be much more into doing it again sometime. I want to try and get him on sometime around the Christmas holidays so he can share his unique views on the subject.
I guess that’s it for now…sorry to have kept you all waiting so long. But at least when I did come back I brought someone good with me.
Take care out there and I hope to talk to you again sooner instead of later!
Where the hell is God? June 19, 2007
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Look up!
Just kidding, I love those old corny “God” jokes.
The answer to the question posed in the title is that I’m still here, faithfully doing my job and maintaining order and stability throughtout the Cosmos and all the adjoining dimensions.
As for what’s been happening with my All-Knowing self, that’s a little tougher to explain.
To put it bluntly, I’ve been stumped as to a topic of conversation. So if there’s nothing pressing to say then why bother muddying the waters with inane banter? I’m sure you don’t want to come here looing for a nugget of Godly wisdom only to hear about the minor trials and tribulations of my home life.
But it’s not like I’ve been homebound for the last few months. Mrs. God and I have been seeing a couple of movies, such as Knocked Up, Oceans 13, and Pirates of the Caribbean 3 : At World’s End. Those first two movies are really good by the way…that last one, not quite so much.
I’m also anxiously awaiting the release of both Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix in theaters and Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows in bookstores. I finally managed to convince Mrs. God to read the previous Harry Potter books and she’s become as enamored with them as I anticipated. Ahhh, sweet vindication…why does she doubt my Omnipotent greatness?
The folks at Heaven’s home office continue to do a bang up job of assisting yours truly. I’ve been working on my boy Jesus and trying to convince him to come by for an online chat, but so far he’s been less then thrilled to do so. I could of course order him to comply, being that I’m his father and Almighty Lord. But since the last thing I ordered him to do culminated in his torture and excruciating death for the betterment of Humanity, I’ve been kind of hesitant to impose my Will on him again. He’ll come around eventually, call it a hunch.
My eternal adversary, Lucifer, is still a steaming walrus prick. He continues to fuck with Humanity at every opportunity and I continue to thwart his major initiatives all whilst remaining out of sight of you fine folks. It’s a sick game to be sure, but one that must be played in order to properly achieve my goals. Giving you undisputible proof of my existance wouldn’t really prove my point and while I’d end up “winning” and saving all your souls, Lucy would end up actually winning our little argument…and we can’t have that now can we?
Actually, I do have something I’d like to vent on for a few moments…Paris Hilton, Lindsay Lohan, Britney Spears, and all the other walking piles of feces some of you folks seem to be so interested in down there. Look, fuck Paris Hilton. Seriously, she’s ignored the laws of society, fucked everything in sight whether it had a penis or not, and basically is the very epitome of a spoiled little rich girl heiress bitch. To make it worse, she does this all while passing herself off as a role model to young impressionable girls.
In the immortal words of Hanover Fiste from one of my favorite movies, Heavy Metal, “She’s nothing but a low-down, double-dealing, backstabbing, larcenous perverted worm! Hanging’s too good for her. Burning’s too good for her! She should be torn into little bitsy pieces and buried alive!”
Well said Hanover, well said indeed.
So in closing, just continue to do what you fine folks do and I’ll continue to do what I do.
Hopefully I can get Jesus in here for a quick Q & A session…so if anyone has questions they’d like me to pose to the Savior then post ‘em up.
You know I’m not shy.
God answers your questions! October 9, 2006
Posted by God in God's F.A.Q.'s:, God's Life:, God's Opinions:.6 comments
Need a little advice? Feeling like you don’t know which way to turn? Wishing there was a celestial straight-shooter somewhere who could offer you a little much needed counsel?
Hello…that’s why I’m here people! Well, that, and running the entire freakin’ UNIVERSE.
But hey, if i don’t make time for you then what’s the point of this whole universe nonsense anyway?
So if you’ve been looking for sage wisdom direct from the horse’s, uh, deity’s mouth, then look no further!
Behold my children! God’s very first reader question!
Hey Big Guy,
Why did you make me so short?
Sincerely,
Short In Shreveport
So here’s my reply…
Dear S.I.S,
Everything I create is equally beautiful in my eyes child!
There is no “short” or “tall” in the eyes of the Lord. Hold on a tic, my receptionist has just handed me your file. Let’s take a look at the ol’ picture here…
Holy shit, you’re tiny! I mean, seriously! I thought Ronnie James Dio was small…but you my friend take the cake!
Jeez, Darby O’Gill, where’s your pot o’gold? Is it tough getting beat up by lawn gnomes? Were you mad when DeVito took your lunch money? I’d say you could be a jockey, but we both know My Little Pony doesn’t make miniatures. What the hell was I thinking when I did this? I must’ve made you right before lunch; I get a little spacey sometimes around 11-ish. Boy, is my face red right now!
Anyway, where was I? Oh, right: In the Kingdom of Me, everyone is loved no matter how small or large. Always remember that…and please, accept my most humble apologies.
Thanks for your letter!
God
So if any of you loyal readers out there would like to ask a question of the Almighty, then feel free to ask away!
I look forward to hearing from you!
Someone’s not paying attention… September 18, 2006
Posted by God in God's Opinions:.4 comments
I just had the following email arrive and I gotta tell ya, I haven’t laughed so hard in nearly a milennia.
Hey,
Really liked some of the posts on your blog.
Have a look at what we are doing, there is a sign up page.
We would love you to join in.
May God Bless you and your blogging efforts. We look forward to hearing
from you.Craig
Christian Bloggers
info@christian-bloggers.com
I’m absolutely certain that any seasoned, hardcore, Bible thumping Christian would be completely horrified to read some of the things I’ve posted here.
So that means we’ve got 3 possible scenarios at work here…
1. Someone wasn’t paying any fucking attention.
2. These are some extraordinarily open minded Christians.
3. I just got spammed by a Christian Blogging Community.
Regardless of which one it is, I think the whole idea of joining a Christian blogging community is absolutely hilarious and I’m seriously considering joining up.
These folks are totally not ready to be told that their beloved religious leaders have perverted my message, abused the power given them, commited the very sins they’re supposed to be against, and basically used the Christian community in general as their own private playthings.
The temptation of popping in and revealing all these most unpopular things to them, all at their invitation no less, is just about more then I can stand.
You know the old saying…tempt not the Lord thy God.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I have some new friends to make.
I’ll be sure to keep you all posted on the internet bloodbath that is sure to result.
Even More Iconical Nonsense. August 20, 2006
Posted by God in God's Opinions:.9 comments
Sorry for the extended away time on the blog but sometimes real life must intrude into our hobbies and whatnot…but I’m here now right? That’s gotta count for something.
So I saw the Virgin Mary made of chocolate drippings story from a few days ago and I gotta be honest with you, we all had a jolly fucking laugh up here in Heaven about it.
Come on folks, a Virgin Mary icon made entirely out of chocolate drippings? What’s next? Are you going to find a image of the Holy Virgin in a pile of English Bulldog shit?
If I’m understanding this all correctly, your saying that a pile of chocolate in the shape of the Virgin Mary is a “miracle” but the sunset, a child’s laughter, and the Universe as a whole are mundane, pedestrian things.
Give me a fucking break.
Any fucking idiot can pour chocolate into a pile. Any man, woman or child could do that shit. Any of you wanna give running the fucking Universe a try?
Yeah, I didn’t think so.
Well don’t take my word for it…let me get the Virgin Mary herself in here. You can hear it directly from her…ya bunch of weirdo’s.
God : Hey Mary, thanks for stopping in! I need your help in convincing humanity that you aren’t appearing to them in the guise of delicious dessert items.
Mary : No problem your Holiness, anything I can do. Just please keep in mind that I’m not really good at this public speaking thing. I always left the oratory part of the operation to my boy Jesus. I don’t need to tell you how kickass he was at that sort of thing. Joseph and I always said that boy could sell ice cream to an eskimo.
God : Don’t sweat it Mary, no pressure here. Just a quick conversation with some friends…that’s all it is.
Mary : Well I think I can manage that Heavenly Father.
God : Good then, don’t keep us all waiting. Drop the truth on these fine folks.
Mary : There’s not much to say really. I just find it ironic that so many folks revere me and take my story so seriously and then those same people all seem to be so quick to attach my image to grilled cheese sandwiches, moldy spots on hardwood floors and piles of chocolate drippings. I mean, why the hell would I just suddenly pop up in a bowl of Cheerios one morning?
God : That’s a good point Mary. We both know the Catholics especially make a huge deal out of venerating your image and your name. Yet they seem to be the ones to find you in staring out at them from transmission fluid stains on their driveways and other crazy places.
Mary : Oh don’t get me started on the Catholics. To hear those people talk you’d think I was the messiah. All I did was wash behind his ears when he was little. Spreading the word of God was never my gig. I was just a humble servant like everyone else involved in Jesus’ ministry.
God : I totally agree there, but let’s not get off track. Let me ask you point-blank…are you purposely appearing in chocolate drippings, potato chips, carpet stains in the passenger side floorboards of 1974 Chevy Astrovans, or anyplace else of the sort?
Mary: No. In fact, hell no. I’ve got more class then that people. I’m the mother of Jesus Christ. I’m not going to stick my likeness just anything. It’s not like I’m Jeff Gordon or something. I mean, that dude would put his face on a pack of tampons if he thought it’d get him a little more exposure.
God : Ha! See that’s why I chose you Mary. You’re alright in my book lady. Jeff Gordon on tampons…that’s fucking genius.
Mary : Well I figured almost all the overtly religious people in America are Republicans and we all know how much those Republicans love that NASCAR stuff. It seemed to be a good way to make a point.
God : Well I think that’ll be all Mary, I don’t want to hold you up. You got anything major planned today?
Mary : Yeah, I was going to imprint my face into the side of a Bassett Hound this afternoon. I mean, why not. I’m being seen everywhere else right?
God : You go give ‘em hell Mary! Thanks for stopping in.
Mary : My pleasure Almighty Lord. Always a pleasure.
So there you have it. Do you folks believe me now? How much more straight-forward do you need it? I mean the lady just said without ambiguity that she’s not cropping up in all these strange places.
Sometimes a pile of chocolate drippings is just a fucking pile of chocolate drippings.
God goes “ass to mouth” with Clerks II… July 27, 2006
Posted by God in God's Movie Reviews:.1 comment so far
Hello from behind the Pearly Gates!
It’ll probably come as no surprise to you all considering my love for expletives and uh, how should i say this, less then normal thoughts and perceptions on daily life…but I am a huge Kevin Smith fan.
So for me to tell you that I’ve eagerly been awaiting the release of Kevin’s newest flick, Clerks II is something akin to saying Michael Jackson has itching to put on a pajama party at Neverland Ranch for months.
Adding fuel to my divine fire was news that noted film critic and long time bad pun advocate Joel Siegel had loudly stormed out of a critics-only screening of Clerks II at around the 40 minute mark proclaiming “this is the first fucking film I’ve walked out on in 30 years”. So with that high praise in mind I knew that Clerks II simply had to meet all my disgusting little expectations. If a stodgy old prick like “Mr.” Siegel was offended enough to have to leave then I knew Kevin had done his job well.
I am here today to tell you that he did, in fact, succeed wildly.
Clerks II is equal parts profane and profound, lewd and laughable, and subversive and sincere. Everything you ever expected is there my friends…and more.
From jokes about a characters over-sized clitoris, a pummeling of the concept of a live action Transformers movie, the never-ending battle between Lord of the Rings fans and Star Wars fans about who’s got the better trilogy, Jay’s hilarious tucking scene, new character Elias’ explanation of “Mr. Pillow Pants”, Randall’s hilarious desire to “take it back”, and more donkey show information then anybody could possibly want. It’s all here folks…every glorious, disturbing and genius moment of it.
If you’re at all familiar with Kevin’s previous films then you know what to expect here. It’s nothing new and he isn’t trying to reinvent cinema as an art. He’s just being Kevin and doing what he likes to do. Make a movie with his friends for his friends. This is a very dialogue heavy film…but that’s what makes Kevin so fucking funny. He writes the most incredible conversations and still manages to build up to the most absurd yet strangely relevant conclusions.
But the greatest thing about Clerks II is the hidden subtext of 2 guys and the bonds of their friendship. This is brought home even more when you realize that the only reason Clerks II exists is because it’s a present from Kevin to Jason. The substance abuse issues that Jason “Jay” Mews has battled over the past several years are hardly breaking news…but the revelation that this movie was a gift from Kevin “Silent Bob” Smith for his friends newfound sobriety certainly is.
During Jason’s battles, he mentioned to Kevin that he loved being in his movies and wished he could get one more chance at playing Jay while clean and sober. He felt bad about not being able to turn in better performances. Kevin had put a lot on Jason’s shoulders and I think Jason felt as though he’d let Smith down.
Kevin told him that if he’d clean his life up then he’d give Jason another crack at playing the “C.L.I.T. Commander” one more time and basically wrote Clerks II expressly for this purpose. Nowhere was the commitment of their friendship more evident then in the final dramatic moments of the film. Where faced with Dante’s impending departure from New Jersey forever, and potentially facing jail time for contributing to “inter-species erotica”, Randall and Dante finally begin to understand how much they and their friendship really mean to each other. All while sharing a cell with Jay and Bob…watching as 2 long time friends work out what their friendship really means and how much they really care for one another.
There’s not a ton of cameos this time, although some of Kevin’s friends do manage to pop in and say hello occasionally. Ben Affleck has one line total, Jason “the pickle fucker” Lee has an outstanding scene with Dante and Randall. Kevin’s wife Jennifer plays Dante’s fianceé Emma and even Kevin’s daughter, Harley Quinn Smith makes a brief appearance. The best cameo of the film belongs to Kevin Weisman, Marshall from TV’s Alias as “Hobbit Lover”. Absolute gold my friends…pure 24k.
So what I’m trying to tell you is that you really need to see this flick. You’ll especially love it if you’re one of Smith’s devoted followers. Rest assured he hasn’t dropped the ball on this one.
Mrs. God and I almost peed on ourselves several times.
When my wife is laughing at a donkey show gone awry louder then I am that’s when I know I’ve chosen my mate wisely.
So go now my children…and see Clerks II.
God chuckles at “06/06/06″… June 9, 2006
Posted by God in God's Opinions:.10 comments
Hi all…God here again.
I wanted to wait a couple of days as a way of proving my point about today’s topic of discussion.
The downright silly level of drama and worry surrounding June 6th, 2006…a.k.a. 06/06/06.
Oooohhh….spooky! 06/06/06…666…mark of the beast…evil…satan’s lucky lotto number.
Nothing fucking happened did it? The world is still here isn’t it? No great evil befell mankind…nothing happened. Why don’t you folks just chill out and think about how stupid it was to have gotten so worked up over what turned out to be a day like any other. How dumb must some people feel about freaking out over June 6th? Well however dumb they feel they looked and acted a lot damn dumber then that.
Women who were pregnant and had their due dates close to June 6th actually had their doctors induce labor so they could avoid having their child born on 06/06/06. This was, of course, done as a means to prevent them from giving birth to the Antichrist. Listen up my lactating ladies, there’s no easy way to put this but to simply be as blunt and honest as possible. If i want your kid to be the Antichrist then you’re fucked. Period, end of story…if I decide little Timmy or Tabatha’s fate is to be the personification of evil on Earth then guess what…they’re the fucking Antichrist and there’s not a damn thing that you or anyone else can do about it. It doesn’t matter when they’re born or what you do to deny their fate…they’re the fucking Antichrist. So really, the entire idea behind this circumventing of my divine will is absolutely hilarious and egotistical beyond words.
Do you actually think I’m stupid and ham-handed enough to really make 06/06/06 the day all the shit comes down? Do you people not see the beautiful, intricate and sublime every fucking morning when you wake up? How big a hack do you really think I am anyway?
And don’t even get me started on how ass-backwards you people have allowed your calendar to become. Newsflash humanity, this is in actuality NOT the 2006th year of the planet Earth. You seem to have forgotten about all that “B.C.” bullshit you put in place about 2000 years ago. The Earth is old folks, very very old. So with all the tinkering about with the calendar year, you can’t possibly think that the dates are accurate. Your calendar is so screwed up you even have to add one day every 4 years to keep the whole fucking thing from collapsing like a poorly designed house of cards. If you used the actual planetary year for 06/06…you’d have zeros coming out of your ears. June 6th, 45 million, 286 thousand, 314 doesn’t sound nearly as snappy does it?
The Earth is millions of years old…MILLIONS. Not thousands or even hundreds of thousands…but MILLIONS. Deal with it folks. It’s the absolute truth. Dinosaurs date back to millions upon millions of years ago, they’re indisputable fact. Hell, if you ultra religious whackjobs would get off your asses you could see them at virtually any major museum all over the world. So the notion that some of you hold about me creating the earth within the last 800,000 years is laughable beyond belief. We chuckle about it all the time in Heaven.
The whole point to this little diatribe is that June 6th, 2006 was just another fucking day…nothing special, unique, sinister, or evil about it.
How about spending your lives worried about making the best of the other 364 days this year and stop stressing over silly shit like this.
06/06/06…what a fucking joke. The only bad thing that happened to mankind on that day was the release of the shitty-ass remake of The Omen.
“W” invented the iPod?? April 22, 2006
Posted by God in God's Opinions:.4 comments
Well hello there! Glad to see you back.
So I’m sitting at my desk the other day, glancing over some figures and scenarios for handling this years hurricane schedule (which went entirely overboard last year I readily admit) when I hear the polite “PING” indicating I’ve got new e-mail.
Normally I don’t get all hyped up over the occasional electronic missive, mainly due to the fact that I’m omniscient. Which for Bill T. in Rancho Cucamonga, CA means I know everything before it happens. Omniscience kinda negates the need for e-mail, but I’ve found that finishing everyone’s sentences and basically flaunting my immense power kind of creeps folks out. So I play along with the little e-mail charade in an effort to make everyone feel a little less intimidated by my supreme being-ness.
But thanks to my wonderous aforementioned omniscience, I knew this e-mail was different. I knew that George W. Bush had gone and done the the only thing he’s good at and made himself look like the retarded bastard child of a illiterate village idiot.
Here’s the whole story, you go read, I’ll be here when you’re done.
Back already? Wow, you read quick. Color me impressed my child.
Anyways, as you can probably tell from reading that story, George W. Bush is a total fucking moron.
Who in their right mind could even possibly that pairing the creation of the iPod with the American Government was believable? Only “W” would even consider that concept to be remotely plausible.
Let me ask you something, do you think something as functional, stylish, streamlined, and easy to use could have POSSIBLY come from the United States Government?
Need help with that answer? Ok, here’s a hint…hell fuck no!
The beauty of this is that “W” actually believes this shit folks. His advisers wake him up in the morning, get him dressed and while they’re slipping on his socks and straightening his tie, they tell him about all the “wonderful” and “amazing” things he’s done as President.
This is done mainly to rouse him from his Cocaine/Johnny Walker Red/Pabst Blue Ribbon induced coma. But, after awhile, the aides had to get creative…there’s only so much motivational life in “You gave the American people the largest tax cut and refund in recent memory.You’re such an awesome President!”.
So after the first couple of years they had to find new ways to get “W” motivated enough to actually get up off his lazy ass and take a shower before that 9am meeting with the Sultan of Brunei.
Some of my personal favorites include…
- “Cheney’s nothing without you sir, everybody knows it.”
- “We all think you’re a much better President then your father ever was.”
- “Saddam Hussein doesn’t look so goddamn smug now does he…the rat bastard.”
- “Tony Blair called, he wanted to know if he could fly in this weekend and polish your testicles again.”
- “The war in Iraq is going swimmingly…we’re really doing good work over there sir, you’re so brave and an inspiration to us all.”
- “Everything went according to plan on American Idol last night…you won’t have to sit through Bucky butchering of any more of your favorite songs.”
And my personal favorite…this usually gets him up and moving pretty quickly in the A.M.
- “Remember sir, tonight is Hooters night. Let’s get you dressed. The sooner you get through the day the sooner someone gets to see scantily clad waitresses in satin shorts, drink cheap ice cold beer and gorge themselves on greasy chicken wings!”
Look, I hate to be the one that breaks this to you but the creation of the iPod was NOT the brainchild of the American government.
Saying the American government’s “interest in national defense” resulted in the creation of the iPod is like saying their “commitment to furthering freedom” caused the proliferation of the internet.
You want to know who really drove the creation of the iPod?
You did, I did…everybody did.
We’ve been looking for a way to make our music more portable and easier to manage for decades. Apple, in conjunction with a number of other companies, finally found the most popular way of accomplishing that goal and are now reaping the rewards of their foresight and vision.
Trying to attach a “Pro-Bush” spin to the iPod is like trying to attach a “Pro-Reagan” spin to Bruce Springsteen’s Born in the U.S.A. It just ain’t happening folks.
And while I hope that you’re all intelligent enough to see through this blatent and shameless attempt by a dying administration to latch on to something positive in order to deflect attention away from their multiple and massive failings, I know that sadly most of you will not.
That’s why sometimes being omniscient really sucks.
God interviews Judas Iscariot… April 10, 2006
Posted by God in God's Interviews:.6 comments
Guess who’s back, back again. Yahweh’s back, tell a friend…
Sorry, but I really dig Eminem. The guy’s a lyrical genius.
So anyway, what’s been up Earth? I know I promised to post more often. Yes, I suck.
But I’m making up for it right now aren’t I?
I figured with the recent discovery of the parchment detailing the story of Judas Iscariot, now would be an excellent time to introduce you all to one of the most villified and misunderstood figures in the entire Bible.
Hold on a second, let me just call him in. I put him a prime corner office next to me. He doesn’t really do anything of note but he’s got a killer spot with a spectacular view of Heaven, a private bathroom and a fully stocked mini-bar. Let’s face it, if anyone deserves a fucking break it’s Judas Iscariot.
Let’s just get him on the intercom real quick…
God : :click: Judas…can you pop into my office for a second?
Judas : :click: Why? What’s wrong?
God : :click: Nothing’s wrong Judas, I just want to see you for a minute.
Judas : :click: But I didn’t do anything…I swear! I’ve been in here all day looking over those reports you gave me.
God : :click: I didn’t say you’d done anything Judas, calm down. Nothing’s wrong, I just want to introduce you to some folks.
Judas : :click: Ok, I’m calm…I’ll be right there.
Poor Judas, he’s soooo jumpy. Anytime something goes wrong he thinks we’re going to blame him for it. Two thousand years of being labeled a rat-fink bastard will do that to a guy. I won’t even tell you how bad he freaked out when the water main busted in downtown Heaven.
Judas : Ummm…you wanted to see me Heavenly Father?
God : Judas my man, I did indeed! Come on in…have a seat!
Judas : Thank you Almighty Lord.
God : Judas I’d like to introduce you to humanity. I’ve been dabbling with a “weblog” and I’ve been giving them insight into my Holy Persona, the inner workings of Heaven and I’ve even had sit down interviews with some of Heaven’s more noteworthy personalities. You game for a little chat?
Judas : I don’t know Father, they don’t seem to like me very much down there. I still get hate mail from them even after being gone for over two millennia.
God : It’s cool Judas, I’ve got your back. Maybe together we can change some folks opinions of you and your actions.
Judas : Well I’m all for that…and to be blunt it’s about fucking time those folks realized the whole truth about what happened in respect to the betrayal of Jesus. No offense meant Almighty Lord.
God : None taken Judas. Well then, what would you like to tell them?
Judas : Well I suppose the only polite thing to do would be to properly introduce myself. There were 2 Judas’ in Jesus posse after all.
God : Not a bad plan, I know folks have been confusing you two for quite some time now.
Judas : Don’t I know it…the other Judas won’t quit riding my ass about the whole mix-up. Sometimes he gets hate mail from Earth and has to bring it over to me. I keep telling him it’s not my fault. At least he got cannonized as St. Jude and saves little kids, all I get is hastily scrawled letters filled with misspelled expletives and obscene references to my mother.
God : We’re about to fix all that. Now, give us some background information on yourself Judas. Tell us about your childhood…how you grew up.
Judas : Well, the details of my life are quite inconsequential… very well, where do I begin? My father was a relentlessly self-improving boulangerie owner from Byzantium with low grade narcolepsy and a penchant for buggery. My mother was a fifteen year old Syrian prostitute named Chloe with webbed feet. My father would womanize, he would drink. He would make outrageous claims like he invented the question mark. Sometimes he would accuse chestnuts of being lazy. The sort of general malaise that only the genius possess and the insane lament. My childhood was typical. Summers in Jerusalem, luge lessons. In the spring we’d make meat helmets. When I was insolent I was placed in a burlap bag and beaten with reeds- pretty standard really. At the age of twelve I received my first scribe. At the age of fourteen a Zoroastrian named Vilma ritualistically shaved my testicles. There really is nothing like a shorn scrotum… it’s breathtaking- I highly suggest you try it.
God : Uh…ok then, maybe we should just skip to the part of your story everyone’s most familliar with…the betrayal of Jesus to the Pharisee’s, which led to the crucifixion.
Judas : Huh? Oh, very well…I do admit to being really tired of talking about this Lord. But if it’ll potentially help my standing in the eyes of humanity then I guess I can tell the story one more time. The whole idea was actually God’s. Isn’t that right Lord? I honestly had only to carry out the plan laid before me.
God : Yup. It was all me. Now I know what you’re all asking, “why would God betray my own son to the Romans and ultimately to his death?” Well, it’s like this. When Jesus was “clothed on the flesh” as we call it up here in Heaven, he was, for all intents and purposes, human. As such, he was simply not capable of starting the process which would ultimately lead to his death on Golgotha and the redemption of mankind.
Judas : That’s right. God asked me to do it. It was his divine will that I betray his son Jesus and bring the Heavenly plan to fruition. You think I wanted to do it? I knew Jesus was the son of God! I’d seen him perform miracles…raising the dead, walking on water, healing the deaf and blind, turning water into wine…did I mention he raised the fucking dead??? That’s kinda hard to ignore folks…I mean Lazarus was ripe as hell. We were all like “Dude…no fucking way. Homeboy is stone damn dead Jesus…there’s no way.” So please, don’t come at me with that “Judas didn’t believe in Jesus’ divinity and betrayed him because he thought he was a heretic” stuff. That’s bullshit man…I was there folks, don’t assume shit about me when your great, great grandfather’s great, great grandfather wasn’t even born yet. I was there baby…I walked beside Jesus, I heard his teachings. I knew he was the real deal.
God : Calm down Judas…there’s no accusations being made here.
Judas : I know Lord, but I get so damn tired of hearing that same weak shit over and over again. Do you people on Earth honestly believe I betrayed Jesus for the money? Thirty pieces of silver was NOTHING! Let me ask you something, did I take my 30 pieces of silver and retire to live a life of King Solomonesque excess? Hell no…I gave the fucking money back! I didn’t want that shit. It was NEVER about the money. It was about being strong enough to follow God’s plan. By the way, the answer to the question you’re pondering is yes…I did take my own life afterwards. Wouldn’t you have? I had just killed the son of God man! It was a bit much for me to handle, ya know?
God : And the answer to the question “why isn’t Judas condemned to Hell for taking his own life?” is this…because the poor man had suffered enough. Did you folks honestly expect me to lead this man to this horrendous fate and then let him be condemned to hellfire and damnation of all eternity? I mean, I’m a hard-ass at times but I’m not nearly that bad.
Judas : Jesus knew I was gonna betray him. He was the Father made flesh…how could he not know? He wasn’t particularly happy with me over the whole situation. He was actually very, very angry with me. Who wouldn’t be? People forget that Jesus was human…he cried in the Garden of Gethsemane and begged God to let him live. Even though he knew it had to be done. So cut me some slack folks…the whole thing was NOT my idea. Besides, he and I have long patched that fence. Once he was free from his earthly restraints he knew what I did had to be done. He knew and forgave me for having to do such a terrible, terrible thing to a man I not only considered my friend, but the Lord made flesh as well.
God : Indeed…Judas was an honorable and faithful servent up until the bitter end. No deity could’ve asked for more from one of his subjects. Even Peter, the “Rock” denied Jesus three times…only Judas carried his duties out unflinchingly. Why have none of you considered that aspect of Judas’ personality?
Judas : Lord, I’d like to go back to my office now…I’m not feeling well. This whole thing makes my head hurt. But, I do sincerely hope you can change opinions about me on Earth. It’s bad enough to have to betray one of your mates to the Romans knowing he’ll be tortured and killed, it’s quite another to know he’s actually God incarnate and you’re committing an act that most people will view as so vile and despicable that you’re to be branded as a murderous traitor throughout history. I just need to go sit somewhere quiet Lord…may I go now?
God : You may Judas…I’m sorry for bringing up old hurts. All this is for the best, you’ll see. Rest your head with the knowledge that I know your true role in my plans and that you, Judas Iscariot, have my favor.
Judas : Thank you Lord, that means more to me then anything in all creation. Goodbye humanity…think gentler thoughts towards Judas Iscariot. I was simply a regular guy with a tremendous task. It’s done now and all I want now is peace and quiet…and less hate mail. Yeah, less hate mail would totally rock.
So there you have it folks, straight from the mouth of the man himself.
The bottom line is this, condemnation of Judas Iscariot is plain ridiculous. He was, and is, my faithful servent. Let’s be honest…it was my son he betrayed to his death and if I can forgive him then why can’t you?
Think about it.
Perhaps you’re suing the wrong dude… January 13, 2006
Posted by God in God's Opinions:.4 comments
Once again, an unusual event has stirred the Almighty into action.
I happened upon the following story today while I was taking my Celestial Lunchbreak and simply had to comment on it :
Family Says Restaurant’s Flying Shrimp Killed Man
MINEOLA, N.Y. — The family of a suburban New York man claims he wrenched his neck, and later died because of it, after ducking to avoid a shrimp tossed by a hibachi chef.
The family of 43-year-old Jerry Colaitis is seeking $10 million in damages. They said Colaitis died from complications caused by neck surgery that was required afterward.
The incident occurred in January 2001. An attorney for the family said Colaitis went to a chiropractor and three neurosurgeons, and underwent surgery in June of 2001. The lawyer said there were complications and Colaitis had numbness in his arm. Months later, Colaitis had a 105-degree fever and died a day after checking into the hospital.
Charles Connick, a lawyer for the Benihana restaurant, contended it was unlikely a chef who works for tips would toss food at customers after being asked not to the family claimed. Lawyers for the restaurant tell Newsday the cause of death was natural.
Good grief people…you don’t have to be God to figure out who’s at fault here.
I’ll give you a hint, it’s not the poor bastard at Benihana’s who’s cooking shrimp and chicken for minimum wage. It’s the damn doctors who were paid an absolutely ridiculous amount of money to make sure Mr. Colaitis went home healthy. The doctors are the one to blame here…not the fucking restaurant or the chef.
Look, these “flying shrimp” incidents are called accidents…sometimes things that seem innocent and harmless have lasting and serious consequences.
I’d call that more of a case of “death by misadventure” then anything else.
Now if you decide to grab some chow at your favorite eatery and while you’re there a chef accidentially (or on purpose…it honestly makes no difference) chucks some food at you and as you’re avoiding it you screw your neck up, then that’s an accident. What’s not an accident is when your doctors screw up so badly that you end up dying because of avoiding taking a shrimp in the eye. That right there is a cut and dried case of medical negligence.
It sounds like these doctors has ample opportunity to figure out what was wrong with Mr. Colaitis. My bet is that one of those damn chiropractors ended up getting him so screwed up he had to resort to surgery to fix the problem. Anytime you end up having surgery there’s a chance you might not be getting up from the table. It’s simply a fact of life.
The doctors killed Mr. Colaitis…not the chef at Benihana’s.
This is my favorite line from the article…I absolutely love stuff like this :
Lawyers for the restaurant tell Newsday the cause of death was natural.
Uh, actually I don’t see anything “natural” about the circumstances here. It’s not like he was walking out to his car and had a heart attack and died. He had a neck problem, went to a registered healthcare professional for help and ended up as a corpse.
Trust me, I’ve seen folks end up dying in a lot of strange ways…but I’ve never seen a man ultimately killed by a flying shrimp. That’s a new one, even for me.
